The problem with the statement I just typed is that it seems like I’m beginning to sound like a broken record, because going on for about four years now it seems like it’s been nothing more than one bumpy ride that tests my faith in God weekly. I know that the book of Hebrews states that the Lord disciplines those He loves and the book of James states that trials come our way in order for the Lord to build our faith and perseverance and that when He is finished that we will lack nothing. In other words, He will use these things to conform us more into the image of His Son, Jesus.
The problem is, though I know these things in my head, I can’t seem to let them sink deeply into my heart.
I lost my job again Monday two weeks ago, the “cushy” work-from-home job that I began working in January of this year. Much of the work I was doing is now being sent out to Moscow, Russia….yep, that’s right, Moscow.
Little by little my line of work is being sent mostly to India, however, and it’s becoming difficult to find work in my field in the area where I live. Sure, I could go elsewhere to find work, but we have roots here; the kids’ friends, grandparents, and my wife’s job that she loves so much are all here. Additionally, although I am not that old, I’m becoming too old to start over. You know, braces, college tuition, mortgage, teen’s first car, and all that other jazz that keeps our nose to the grindstone and makes it nearly impossible to switch career fields later in life.
In the middle of all this, as I’ve blogged here many times before, My wife and I have been on a new church search for over a year and a half and we finally settled into one about eight weeks ago. Although we don’t really have that feeling that it’s the “best church in the world”, it meets all the biblical criteria of a good gospel-centered church and it’s where we need to be at this stage in our life. The pastor’s a good man and preaches through the bible faithfully.
I guess the problem is that I’m a little stunned. Just when I kind of thought that all of this “wandering in the desert” was about over, I’m thrown another curve ball. Since January I’ve been looking for another job, because I’ve always felt like this work-from-home job wouldn’t last forever. I’ve prayed, searched, panicked, and finally settled it in my mind that it’s where I needed to be. Then after a gut wrenching and painful search for a church, we felt like we finally had settled into a good church.
Now here we are, the fourth layoff in seven years, we finally realize something needs to change. But what? Over and over we’ve asked God for wisdom. The Bible says in James that God will give wisdom freely to all who ask…….as long as we don’t doubt. If we doubt, we can’t expect to receive anything from God because we’re like a wave tossed about in the wind.
I guess that’s just what I am. A wind-tossed wave.
Between four job losses, the loss of my church home, the resulting loss of longtime friends, the loss of my mother and my nephew, the confusion, and the strain on my marriage I guess I have a difficult time saying with confidence that when I ask God for wisdom that I do it without doubt. Over and over again I pray, I fear, and I doubt.
He is the King of Kings, The Lord of Lords, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe. He is the Salvation of sinners, the Lamb of God, the One who frees us of our bondage. His grace is sufficient for me. He is all I need. He is the very breath of life in me and I know He loves me…..yet I still doubt.
Oh, what a wretched man am I.
Forgive me, oh God, and uphold me with Your grace for I fear that I may be swallowed and consumed by my doubt.